A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?'' The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark... Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again? Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?"Child: "Moo!"Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"Child: "Meow."Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside."What's going on?" she yells out the window."Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.