Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad ComputerLower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

You've been in graphics too long if...by Chris ThornborrowMost of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects. You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?) Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON. You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems. You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language. You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky. You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to render this in real time." You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200. You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200. Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric. You think being a computer geek is only half way there. You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly. When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology. You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem" (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term "graphics"). You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original). You get 75% or more of these jokes.

You know you have been on the computer too long when...When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors....You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKERby Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker.It came with my PC.It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no.Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas, And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want too pleas.

WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")When I find my code in tons of trouble,Friends and colleagues come to me,Speaking words of wisdom:"Write in C."As the deadline fast approaches,And bugs are all that I can see,Somewhere, someone whispers""Write in C."Write in C, write in C,Write in C, write in C.LISP is dead and buried,Write in C.I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,for science it worked flawlessly.Try using it for graphics!Write in C.If you've just spent nearly 30 hoursDebugging some assembly,Soon you will be glad toWrite in C.Write in C, write in C,Write In C, yeah, write in C.Only wimps use BASIC.Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, oh, write in C.Pascal won't quite cut it.Write in C.{ Guitar Solo}Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.Don't even mention COBOL.Write in C.And when the screen is fuzzy,And the edior is bugging me.I'm sick of ones and zeroes.Write in C.A thousand people people swear that T.P.Seven is the one for me.I hate the word PROCEDURE,Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.PL1 is 80's,Write in C.Write in C, write in C,Write in C, yeah, write in C.The government loves ADA,Write in C.

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee: Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Support: "What sort of trouble?" Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", Support: "Went away?" Customer:"They disappeared." Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Customer: "Nothing." Support: "Nothing?" Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Customer: "How do I tell?" Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?" Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Customer: "What's a monitor?" Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Customer: "I don't know." Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Customer: ......"Yes, I think so." Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Customer: ......"Yes, it is." Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Customer: "No." Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Customer: ......"Okay, here it is." Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Customer: "I can't reach." Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Customer: "No." Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." Support: "Dark? Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Support: "Well, turn on the office light then." Customer:"I can't." Support: "No? Why not?" Customer: "Because there's a power outage." Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?" Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Computer Problem Report Form1. Describe your problem:________________________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problemaccurately:________________________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the causeof the problem:________________________________________________________________4. Problem Severity: A. Minor __ B. Minor __ C. Minor __ D. Trivial __5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up __ B. Frozen __ C. Hung __ D. Strange Smell __6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __9. Have you made it worse? Yes __10. Have you had a friend who knowsall about computers. Try to fix itfor you?Yes __ No __11. Did they make it even worse?Yes __12. Have you read the manual?Yes __ No __13. Are you sure you've read the manual?Maybe __ No __14. Are you absolutely you'veread the manual?No __15. If you read the manual, do you thinkyou understood it?Yes __ No __16. If Yes, then explain why you can'tfix the problem yourself.________________________________________________________________17. What were you doing with your computerat the time the problem occurred?________________________________________________________________l8. If you answered nothing, then explainwhy you were logged in?________________________________________________________________l9. Are you sure you aren't imaginingthe problem?Yes __ No __20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink12:00?Yes __ What's a VCR? __21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?Yes __ No __22. Do you have any independent witnessesto the problem?Yes __ No __23. Do you have any electronics productsthat DO work?Yes __ No __24. Is there anyone else you could blamethis problem on?Yes __ No __25. Have you given the machine a good whackon the top?Yes __ No __26. Is the machine on fire?Yes __ Not Yet __27. Can you do something else instead ofbothering me?Yes __

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.8. Home shopping "network".7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.3. Gameboy web browsers.2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said "File not found".I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".Again he got "File not found".I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.