A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?There isn't even a keyboard attached?

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash") I was working in the lab, late one nightWhen my eyes beheld an eerie sight,Some smoke from our VAX began to riseAnd suddenly, to my surprise... [chorus](There was a crash) There was a system crash(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash(A system crash) It came down in a flash(There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room,Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,But we had one like this just the other dayWhich blew up 4 megs and the SBA"[chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnosticshad all run through, When a power fluck made itall run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew tooSo we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one nightWhen a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to doWhen you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...[chorus]

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)Dear Sir,I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

From "Machine Design" Magazine......Byte BatAll too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol." Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning." Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church." But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol. "Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future." Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up." So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol. "It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft." But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader. No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday. Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.

NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'. E-mail this joke to your friends!

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSee if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTell them it's a featureSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?Abbott: Yes, that's correct.Costello: No, what is it?Abbott: Yes.Costello: So, which is the one?Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.Costello: Stop this. Who are you?Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?Abbott: Use 'what'.Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.Costello: Which one?Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.Costello: I want to find the revision code.Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.Costello: Which command will do what I need?Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.Costello: Write what?Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.Costello: Cut that out!Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.Costello: Do you always do this?Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.Costello: HELP!Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).Costello: You make me angry.Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.