This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . ."Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

Heard on a radio station.What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

From Harper's Magazine:Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on. 1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems? 2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier? 3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee? 4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep? 5.a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?b) Right out of the pot? 6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products? 7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein? 8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"? 9. Do you need coffee:a) ...to get up in the morning?b) ...to get out of bed?c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?15.a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?b) ...in more than five?c) ...in your bathroom?16.a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?c) ...and it's bad for the environment?17. Do you grind your own coffee?18. Do you grow your own coffee?19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?20.a) Do you know Juan Valdez?b) ...and his donkey?c) ...intimately?21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?22.a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?b) ...that you don't like?c) ...because it's too frustrating?

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.""Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"