Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?A: They make great anchors!Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?A: They make good paddles.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: You can turn off a chainsaw.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?A: You can tune a Harley.Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?A: Saves time.Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?A: By their names.Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted. Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones. Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper. Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in. Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?A: Their personalities. Q: What's the range of an accordion?A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: What's a gentleman?A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathisers.Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?A: The accordion takes longer to burn. Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?A: Hide it in an accordion case. Q: What's an accordion good for?A: Learning how to fold a map. Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?A: A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!