"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent."And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: ?Justice prevailed.?The senior partner replied in haste, ?Appeal immediately.?

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith."I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer."No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith."Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it?s starting to rain."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."