First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but rememberit's just a joke!Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seaterCessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon incentral Poland.Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so farand expect that number to climb as digging continues into theevening.

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna twopissa toast. She bring me only one piss.I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you nounderstand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no pisson plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla mesomma ma b*tch.Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy anatell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress shebring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - Shetell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonnama b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. Icalla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go totoilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He sayyou betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know manana he call me sonna ma b*tch!I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I saypeace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose."Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase ManhattanBank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young manat the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in thebag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to theamount of money involved.The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and afteropening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills whichamounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretaryto obtain an appointment for the lady.The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president'soffice. Introductions were made and she stated that she would liketo get to know the people she did business with on a more personallevel. The bank president then asked her where she came into such alarge amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." sheanswered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." shereplied.He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little oldlady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "Youbet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." shereplied, "I bet people."Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on differentthings with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll betyou $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will besquare."The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided totake her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For therest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided tostay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked tomake sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he lookedthe same as he always had. He went to work and waited for thelittle old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. Heknew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little oldlady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When heinquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed himthat he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there wasthis much money involved."Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tellyou this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only$25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested thatshe be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this wasreasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend overand then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing acrossthe room banging his head against the wall."What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bethim $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have thepresident of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this".He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself". The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on" said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Sadly, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.As he walks away slowly, he says to himself........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. Thefather goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays inthe water. He comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I sawladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mom says "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goesback to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"Mom says, "the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goesback to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw andthe more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going tomeet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything aboutyou."The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, orwhat?""No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?""I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?""I did that Adam so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?""Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."