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Working in the garden
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
Getting a new deputy
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.""What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow."He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant."It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
He's drunk at the bar
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Catching the shoplifter
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
Wife helps out the cop
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
New person in prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Partner takes vacation
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Dealing with criminals
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Swerve to avoid a box
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
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