Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to theother and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I gohome after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before Iget to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Itake my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, Iget undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakesup and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking thewrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my handson my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she'salways sound asleep."

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?"She says "I want to kill my husband".He says "Sorry, I can't do that."She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husbandin bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with anunusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When youget to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciateit if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved tothat part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comestime for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you willnot ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She mademe a much better offer."

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublescotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double scotch.Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she startsto look good, then I know it's time to go home."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce courtjudge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

A little boy went up to his father and asked:"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied: "Well, son, you must havegotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

Wise men never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break mywife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?" the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."

What's the difference between a nine-month pregnantwoman and a Playboy centerfold?Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.