It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball."I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.""Batted .007," his wife added.

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar can't jump! Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches! What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!Who won the race between two balls of string?They we're tied! Why are football players never asked for dinner?Because they're always dribbling! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?Because he liked sole music! What tea do footballers drink?Penaltea! Where do footballers dance?At a football!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What's tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner's favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!

What lights up a football stadium?A football match! If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes! Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium! When fish play football, who is the captain?The team's kipper! Ref: I'm sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?They tend to go cheep! What is a goal keepers favourite snack?Beans on post!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.It's an appointment! Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated! Which insect didn't play well in goal?The fumble bee! What did the bumble bee striker say?Hive scored! What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill! What are Brazilian fans called?Brazil nuts! Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?He was the skipper! How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?Sorry, it was a freak hic! Why are football grounds odd?Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits! What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?A flat back four! Why did the goal post get angry?Because the bar was rattled! What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?Fiver side! What part of a football ground is never the same?The changing rooms! What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?Bring on their subs!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?Cold Trafford! How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?Somebody took a corner! Why didn't the dog want to play football?It was a boxer! What did they call Dracula when he won the league?The champire! Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin! Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why's that?Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football?They keep drawing! Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence! Where do old bowling balls end up?In the gutter! Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days! What part of a football pitch smells nicest?The scenter spot!